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This is my journey.

I am 28 years of age, in an eleven year relationship and a mother of three children aged 9,7 and 5. My partner suffers from clinical depression and has improved to the point where I am the full time income earner and he is now playing housewife and caring for our three children. This arrangement works really well for our household. I am working for a children's cancer charity raising money to assist them and their families and putting in 54 hours a week and preparing to move house so there is alot of packing and things to organise in the very little spare time I have. I am extremely tired and run down but I just have to get through the next few weeks and I will be able to cut my hours back as I am using the extra money to make it a more comfortable move.

We moved into the new house on the 6th May 2003 and everything is starting to fly right. I am only 20 minutes from work now instead of an hour to an hour and a half depending on traffic. I see more of the children and my partner and I am have cut my hour back to a standard 38 a week. I am slowly getting over the move but I am really tired. I suppose it took more out of me than I thought it would.

Approximately two weeks after moving I went to work feeling really tired but given the move it seemed what should be expected. Unfortunately not. At morning tea break my boss pulled me aside to have a chat as she had noticed a yellow tinge to my skin and thought that from a distance the whites of my eyes appeared to be yellow as well. When she got closer to me her suspicions were confirmed. I was jaundice, and as it is a small air conditioned office, her first reaction was to suspect hepatitis. She ordered me off work and a doctors appointment. The doctor sent me for blood test to detect hepatitis. The next day I got the results and they were negative. This was strange and even bewildered the GP. My doctor then sent me for an ultrasound to see if there was anything going on in the liver like inflammation to account for the jaundice. When the results came back she was very worried as there was a shadow in the pancreas. Even though given my age this was not only highly unusual but near on not heard of especially in GP circles (oncology circles a little different. My doctor sent me to the emergency department at my local hospital to try and rush me through the system for gastro doctors appointment. I did not get in to see a gastroenterologist for another couple of days and this gave me time to think about what to expect. On one hand it was a good thing and on another it was bad. Too much time to think and the brain allows one to begin to think fairly negatively. My challenge now was to stay focused and positive and not read too much into it until I have full confirmation of what is going on from the specialist.

As I potter around home because I could not go back to work until it was confirmed what was affecting me I began to notice the jaundice was getting worse. I was starting to rival Big Bird in the hues of yellow and the itching was already driving my nuts. What on Earth could this be? What could be wrong with me? I have tried to lead a healthy life though I smoke. ( I realise this to be a contradictory statement)Then my brain clicked into gear and latched onto the comment the doctor had said about there being a shadow in my pancreas. As a person is ususally their own worst enemy so too was I. What are the chances of it being nothing? What are the chances of it not being something horrid like cancer? THer it was said. The Big C. Me with cancer. I am too young and too strong to have something like cancer take it ( life, love and a future) away from me. May be Karma has come about. These are just some of the things that ran through my head and the destructive internal conversations I had with myself. Not that anyone knew this was what I was thinking. I have always been the sort of person to mull things over inside and when I have straightened things out I will tell everyone then so things are clear and understandable for everyone.

Posted 04/22/2006 09:44 am by JB
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