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life is so short... was posted 02/21/2006 01:34 am by TANJA
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It's 10:30 at night and it feels like i haven't slept in a weak. I have never felt this sad in my life. My dads condition continues to worsen. Last night was the night I thought we were going to lose him. He got very cold and stayed in a fetal postition for hours. Well he made it through the night however, I know in my heart that the end is near. I am so afraid of how I am going to deal with this. I don't think I will ever get over the death of my hero. He is in bed right now I don't know if he is pain or not, He is not responding to anything, his breathing is very irregular and so is his heartbeat. He had an episode today, hallucinating and scared, fever of 104.5 shaking in fetal position again, he was seeing cats, and kept saying 'no cats, no cats, take away the cats. He had pure fear in his eyes.

My Dad is a good man and a firm believer in God. Ever since that episode this afternooon, he went to sleep and continues to sleep. He has responded to us since. He weighs 115lbs and is almost 6 feet tall. I know and i know he knows he is going to heaven, but in my heart I feel like he is fighting so hard, and not going to the light. I'm worried that he could be in a state of coma. I'm not sure. I know what is ahead but what other signs can i expect. The palliative care nurse came today and felt that the time is approaching. I have been so strong through this entire battle and I have can't do it anymore, I cannot bear to see my dad in this condition. Is he pain free while in this unresponsive state? His eyes are halfway open, glossy looking kinda looking at nothng. I'm worried that he is still suffering alot of pain but unable to express it. Help, i'm confused, and scared. All of a sudden I am terrified. i am so sad for him. I'm going to bed now, I will sleep on the floor in my mom and dads bedroom, close to my dad.

Good night


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