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Pancreas Cancer

Reply was posted 03/31/1999 01:00 pm by renae
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Hi sis! Ok, I lied a little, I still browse the chat room from time to time. It still seems unreal doesn't it. I remember those last three days at home. Once we came to accept it and got over the initial shock of the fact that we were bringing mom home with " hospice", it seemed like we had a plan. It seemed like for the first time, although it was uncertain, mom was in complete control as she has been throughout our lives. I remember those three days vividly. The three of us pulled together, and became the rock of everyone looking to us about how to act, and where to turn. Never once did I look at mom and see anyone else. She was and always will be the person I remember. We talked as though it was ok to die. It was ok, not that I would rather have her here with us still, but if this is how it had to be then, ok! I am so proud of how you, dad, and I have handled everything. We are by far not healed. But I smile when I think of mom, even in the last few days. We were still clearly in our roles that we had set in our family. Mom at the head, Dad grounding us, Me trying to hold everyone together, and you, being the informed one (having read everything there is to know about pancreatic cancer). You also once again took the weight off of our shoulders. You calmed mom down. I remember when we had to go make arrangements the day after, and when we were talking to hospice about the inevitable it seemed "unreal". Just 3 months ago we were partying at the Virginia Tech game, and now to do this? It didn't make since, but we did it. You know what gets me through each day? Little, I mean tiny coincedencies keep happening, and I truly believe that it is God's way of saying this was his plan and that mom is finally in that superhuman state that we all aspire to be. That state that she tried to be here on earth, maybe the reason she got to her goal. Pretty deep huh? Anyway, I love you! If t.r. happens to read this, I hope that it helps. You just got to keep your chin up, and try not to be scared.

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