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I mentioned the idea to his daughter -- a nurse -- and she poo-pooed it totally. She told me that knowing he was clear THEN, wouldn't mean a thing.... that something could start AFTER the scan and we'd have been lulled into a 'false sense of security'. Joe, on the other hand, said that he didn't want the scan but that I should have it.
If only I had insisted.
If only I had followed my gut.
So here we are now. It is what it is. But I think that I will forever cringe when I remember that I almost bought him that scan for his 61st birthday... and if I had, this might all have been very different. Believe me I KNOW that there is nothing I can do now. And I do trust that this is all happening exactly as it is supposed to happen, in God's grand plan... But there is my guilt -- flying in the face of all that anyone can ever say. The opportunity was there to change this, and we missed it.
I just keep reminding myself that there is a really GOOD reason why this is going the way that it is. I am not God and I cannot see the 'why' behind it all. Maybe someday it will all become clear. I can only hope for the peace that would come with that knowledge.
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