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Pancreas Cancer

My guilt was posted 03/31/2004 07:24 pm by Barbara in NJ
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It was interesting timing for me to read your post today. Only a few hours ago I was remembering how seven months before my Joe was diagnosed, I had considered giving him one of those full-body-CT scans as a birthday gift. It was about $1,000 but I felt that, since he had beaten prostate cancer 5 years before, that MAYBE he was 'at risk' for something else. PLUS, he was so depressed... and I just felt that 'knowing' his body was okay would be a good thing for us both.

I mentioned the idea to his daughter -- a nurse -- and she poo-pooed it totally. She told me that knowing he was clear THEN, wouldn't mean a thing.... that something could start AFTER the scan and we'd have been lulled into a 'false sense of security'. Joe, on the other hand, said that he didn't want the scan but that I should have it.

If only I had insisted.

If only I had followed my gut.

If only...

So here we are now. It is what it is. But I think that I will forever cringe when I remember that I almost bought him that scan for his 61st birthday... and if I had, this might all have been very different. Believe me I KNOW that there is nothing I can do now. And I do trust that this is all happening exactly as it is supposed to happen, in God's grand plan... But there is my guilt -- flying in the face of all that anyone can ever say. The opportunity was there to change this, and we missed it.

I just keep reminding myself that there is a really GOOD reason why this is going the way that it is. I am not God and I cannot see the 'why' behind it all. Maybe someday it will all become clear. I can only hope for the peace that would come with that knowledge.

Barbara

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