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PAPAW


Today is July Sixth and my papaw has been in the hospital for a week and a half. He has been diagnosed with inoperable pancreatic cancer. the doctors have gave him about three to four months to live. It is too sad for me to think about right now. I haven't even cried because it doesn't seem real. It all started in February with a massive stroke. He was in the hospitol then for a month and a half. He came home paralized on his left side. Through the months since he has been home, he has began to get movement back into his left leg. he was also beginning to finally act like his old self again. the doctors at the rehabilitation clinic were expecting him to walk again in about three months. Now the doctors are telling him that is all the time he has left period. My papaw is sixty-three years old. He was aways the strongest and kindest man I knew. He has always been there for me no matter how bad I have messed up. And now to think that he will not be here to talk to is unthinkable. My Mammaw is at a loss. But she is doing much better than I ever thought that she could. They have two children, my mother and aunt. There are three of us grandchildren, and my son. I think my son is the hardest part of all of this. He is only four years old, and Papaw is his hero. The call each other 'Buddy'. I haven't taken him in to see papaw yet because I think it would be too hard on them both. Papaw cries every time he talks about Draven (my son). He says that he is the only one who can teach him the things that he needs to know, like how to play baseball. He could hardley wait until Draven was old enough to play tee-ball. He has had him outside ever since he was old enought to hold a bat in his hand, trying to show him how it is done. I am so afraid that Draven will not remember Papaw. I scared that the connection that they have right now will fade and Papaw will just be a story to him more than a real person. Maybe the hardest part about death isn't the dying. It is missing out on so much of your loved ones lives. As of right now I don't know what papaw plans on doing. He hasn't really been in his right mind for a couple of days. I don't know if that is more of a reaction to the shock of it all or if it really is in some way affecting his brain. He has the option of radiation and chemo, but it will only give him a few more months. He keeps saying that he wishes that he would just have a heart attack and get it over with. in a way I understand what he means. The thought of slowly fading away scares me too. Oh, I forgot to tell you, the reason he said that about a heart attack is because three days after he was admitted into the hospital, the found that his aortic artery has an anurism (SP). Its swelled up about three times the size it should be. His doctor said that if he didn't have cancer, he would have immediatly had open heart surgery. They told him that he is going to die of one or the other. Now its just a waiting game to see which happens first. I guess when its your time, you just can't stop it. All I want is for whatever time he has left to be peaceful for him. I don't want him to spend every waking minute expecting to die. I suppose with a little more time it won't be so hard on him. hopefully he can come to some sort of a peace with his diagnosis, and really live while he has the chance.


Posted 07/06/2002 06:33 pm by Lindsey
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